Why Is It Bad?
There is a famous line that was originated by Reid Mihalko (or Charlie Glickman they both came up with it at the same time) and recently made popular again by Jameela Jamil, “learning about sex from porn is like learning how to drive from the fast and the furious.” Jameela then adds, “a fucking terrible idea” and moves onto her next point. Today’s post is gonna be about just why it’s a “fucking terrible idea.”
Using porn as an accurate representation of sex will fill your mind with loads of expectations that can wreak havoc on your self-esteem. Porn is supposed to be a fantasy. Adult film stars sometimes spend hours a day and thousands of dollars working on their bodies to look their best for film. Yet many people feel like they need to look like these actors just to have sex with someone. These actors are also often exceptions to the norm, especially when it comes to something like penis size, breast size, or vulva shape. Many adult actors are hunted out for exceptionally large penis size or breast size, and others augment these to get more gigs.
The work these actors do includes working on what kind of sexual acts they can perform. It’s not common for most people to just walk into a room and be ready to have anal without any preparation. In fact, many actors that do a lot of anal start preparing for it the night before. There is often a lot of work done off camera that isn’t seen. And that’s intentional because it’s all supposed to be a fantasy. The same is true even for vaginal penetration, or being hard “all the time.” There are things happening off camera to facilitate what you see on screen. Taking all you see at face value may make you feel like there is something wrong with your body when you are perfectly fine.
Then there are the tropes and scripts. There is a very common pattern of what exactly happens in porn. It’s changed over the years, and continues to change, but it looks a little something like this: kiss, oral, vaginal, sometimes anal, and then a cumshot or more recently cream pie. You might not want to do all or any of that at a given time, but having this as your expectation every time you go into sex, can lead to a lot of frustration, shaming and missed opportunities.
There is more I can go into but it is worth mentioning that much of this is still prevalent even in what is labeled as Feminist Porn, Queer-Friendly Porn, or “Porn for Women.” It’s still all supposed to be a fantasy. Keep that in mind whenever you’re watching porn.
What You Can Do Instead:
We have more access to comprehensive sexual education materials and sex educators than ever before. If you want some examples, just browse through some of the profiles I follow on Instagram. There are so many people sharing sex ed info on the web today that not only will you find the information you want, but you will find educators that teach in the style that works for you. If you are looking for a place to start, one educator that I look up to personally is Dr. Lindsey Doe of Sexplanations.
If you already know you have incorrect sexual expectations, and that’s pretty much all of us, take the time to face them. Sit down write out what you think sex is supposed to look like. Ask yourself why you think that is. Then, ask yourself why you think you think that way. Finally, think of a few alternatives. Brainstorm what sex could look like without the script. Don’t be ashamed of what you come up with either.
If writing isn’t your thing, you can also try talking it out with a friend or lover that you really trust.
Appreciate that sex is with an individual. You don’t expect that when you have a conversation with an individual everything they say will feel like poetry or a song. What you will feel is connected with the person. You will get a sense of who they are, how they speak, their rhythms and patterns. All of these and more make you closer to that person. That’s the same thing we are looking for in sex, just on a different level. Most of us aren’t looking to be read poetry when we are speaking with a person, otherwise we would go to a recital, or learn to perform on stage ourselves. The same applies here. If you want your sex to be like porn, then go work for a porn studio. If you want sex to be with a certain person then learn how to be with that person. Learn what they like. Share what you like. Make your own “script” and feel free to change it along the way.
If you really want to work on creating a healthy sexual mindset, the most effective approach is to hire a sex educator or sex coach directly. That way they can provide you with the one-on-one attention and the guidance you need for your specific concerns, and in your specific context.
See you next week.
-Lex
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